|Nov. 9th, 2010 01:30 pm The Beginning|
My last post, 'The End' was to tell you all that doctorstewie and I had split up.
I want to thank all of you that took the time to reply via Live Journal, Facebook and Twitter, or have texted me, or phoned, or otherwise been brilliant.
I have been incredibly touched by the thoughtful way that so many of you have done things to support both me and Stuart during the last week or so. In the colder weather, I can't really manage public transport, and several people have travelled to see me or have even taken me out for lunch/dinner and let me wibble at them (or let me talk about nothing). And I had a delivery of cake. And text messages. And, well, all manner of things, small and large, that have brightened my days. I know Stuart has been well supported too, and that means as much to me as the support I have received, if not more.
They say that when you are hurting you really find out who your friends are - it is true - I am being reminded how fortunate I am with the lovely friends that I have.
THANK YOU, Thank you all, so very much. I am truly blessed.
So, little by little each day I am trying to move on, and it appears that Stuart and I are embarking on a new phase in our lives: that of close friendship.
Stuart and I have been talking every day. This is, I think, a good thing.
I am so very glad that neither of us seems to bear anger or resentment towards the other.
I could be resenting him for the things he did which caused the split. He could be resenting me for being the one that took the decision to call it a day. But, as we have talked, it has become clear that the biggest negative emotion between us is a tremendous sense of loss.
The last time I felt such a sense of loss was when my Mother died - I am amazed that this split is hitting me in a comparable way, but I guess that it is a bereavement, not of a person as such, but of a relationship. And one that lasted for half of my adult life.
And, just to be sure people understand something: This is my own journal, in which I am of course sharing my own pain and thoughts. I hope my readers have the good sense to know that I am not suggesting for a millisecond that I am suffering more than Stuart is - but it is not my place to share his pain here, only my own. And part of moving on, for me, is sharing a little of my pain here. Also, though it may be stating the obvious to say it, part of my own pain is in seeing Stuart suffer, because I still love him so much. Some people may not be able to relate to the complexity of this situation. But it is what it is.
Although I found myself in a position where I felt I could not continue in the relationship, my feelings haven't changed: whilst accepting that we cannot be together, I still love Stuart very much, and he tells me that he loves me too - this makes getting over one another simultaneously harder and easier - it is quite surreal to be supporting one another through our break-up - but, it seems to be helping both of us... whatever works I guess!
So, where to from here?
Well, I am beginning, at the beginning....
I have a wonderful best friend called doctorstewie , who I love more than words can express.
For as long as he wants to be, he will be an important part of my life.
I will always be there for him, when he needs me.
And I hope that the future can bring us many good things.
Life goes on. Life will be good. Because life is what you make it. And I intend to make it good.
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